嘿嘿，尊重一下 你这个无家可归的狗屎！
好吧，我来告诉你 现在的故事是关于人们如何...
就像那个悲伤、可悲的混蛋 回到那里，找到了幸福。
但这不是一个快乐的故事，好吗？
我的意思是，人们为什么认为 生活应该永远幸福吗？
因为当我还是个小男孩的时候， 我妈妈给我唱了一首歌。
事情是这样的：
人生苦短。 生活一团糟。
很快就会结束。
但对于你们，我的朋友们， 这个故事才刚刚开始。
有些日子天黑了
有些日子我工作
我一个人工作
我一个人走
未知
甜蜜
我的天啊。
笑声
或者没有
先生。 11 月。
先生。十二月。
嗨，孩子们。 你父亲呢？
他在楼上自慰 同性恋色情片。
- 再次？ - 是的。
- 嘿，孩子们。 - 嘿，爸爸。
我只是在洗澡。 是的，刚给自己洗了个澡。
淋浴？
亲爱的，你到家了！
沃利，你伤害了我。
我很高兴你回家了。
宝贝，上车。
我不上那辆车！
宝贝，这是我给你的礼物。
什么？礼物？
这不是礼物。 你他妈偷了这个。
我偷了它来补偿你。
然后告诉我这个。
你怎么能睡我最好的 朋友，然后告诉我吗？
我当然告诉过你， 但不要射击信使。
你可以说再见了！
没有宝宝。 你知道我需要那个。
挥手再见，宝贝。 再也没有罗密欧了。
亲爱的，告别会怎么样？
我会在梦中见到你， 你作弊，撒谎，背后捅刀子！
对不起， 我不懂德语。
我不能继续。 这是胡说八道！
格里沃！格里沃！
我想我可能有一些东西。
容易，容易，957号病人。
并打开。
这会做什么？
嗯，它的作用是...
进入你的大脑， 化学...
并找到你最快乐的记忆， 化学上。
然后锁定那种情绪 然后用化学方法冷冻它...
然后它让你快乐快乐。
克里斯？她很郁闷， 不傻。
来吧，拿着它。
好的。
未来！
- 圣诞节快乐。亲亲奶奶。 - 礼物！
没关系。
抱歉，我们迟到了几个小时。 孩子们讨厌老人。
没关系，只要 因为我们现在都在一起了。
- 好点子。你的健康状况如何？ - 好。只是一些坐骨神经痛。
这些动作英雄 是去年的，笨蛋！
听说爸爸死了 是蛋酒吗？
是的。给自己一杯。 我要检查鸟。
我以为今年我们会吃山药。
我有一个黄油球。 去年太干了。
他们是最好的——
得走了。 来吧，孩子们，在车里。
对不起，妈妈，我们得走了。 嘿，你有给我妈妈的礼物吗？
哦耶。圣诞节快乐， 修墙术妈妈。
- 谢谢。我想知道那是什么。 - 这是口琴。
嗯，明年见。
哦，那太可爱了。
看，她在微笑。
- 她是。 - 天啊。
冷静点，冷静点。
冷静下来！
957 号病人，你感觉如何？
像一条新鲜的毛巾擦干 在一个夏天的一天上线。
哦，我觉得自己像个小虫子……
从地里探出头来 一场暴雨过后……
并没有看到知更鸟。
我觉得上帝在摩擦 我的肚子！
从那以后我就没有这么开心过 我儿子圣诞节来拜访。
- 这可能是它。 - 这是一个强大的“也许。”
它可能是它。
耶稣基督！
我想我们明白了！是的！
你是谁？
只是一个男人。
我们正在开始最后的接近。
他今天的心情有什么线索吗？
对不起，我听不懂 他的心情。
袜子颜色？
红袜子。
红袜子！红袜子！
红袜子！
我们继续吧。
我们一起工作吧。
早上好，唐。
我们不是说早安吗 昨天，马夫？
是的，我想我们做到了，唐。
唐，怎么做到的 董事会会议去哪儿了？
我可以有房间一分钟吗？
大家出去！
我的帝国是...
崩溃！
正确的。大家都回来了。
为了回答你的问题，娜塔莉...
董事会 有点担心……
我们没有“”返回 学校的药物或“圣诞节”药物。
我们没有 ”“国际妇女节”药物。
确切地。
我试图提醒他们 当我发明Stummies时...
是的，唐，感谢上帝你做到了。
这既费时又费力。
但不幸的是， 董事会采取狭隘的观点。
他们以自己的狭隘方式， 认为公司正在亏损。
事实上我们就是这样， 但我认为这是狭隘的观点。
该死的，唐！ 他们到底知道什么？
他们坚持要我们削减 我们的研究经费减少了60%。
我当然告诉他们 去他妈的。
对你有好处，唐！
但我大声说我会考虑。
完全正确的做法—— 和他们一起玩。
我们在哪里？
用什么，唐？
我们的重组计划。
你刚才提到的那件事 现在？
是的。
我们是最重要的。
好的。
我们会得到 这里的大桌子...
还是我必须剪掉 我自己那该死的树？
我会说清楚的。 好的，第一。
打开。
不，已经两周了， 而且我没有任何不同的感觉。
我所做的只是增加了八磅。 现在，这是什么？
这个有点 还有一点。打开。
是糖不是吗？ 我在安慰剂组。
好吧，松散的嘴唇会沉船。 打开。
不！我的脸告诉我这是糖。
谢谢你。
你不被允许 对我这样做。
医生！爱丽丝！
等一下，我准备好了--
哦，是的！
- 你感觉怎么样，957？ - 请原谅？
你感觉怎么样， 胡迪库尔夫人？
优秀。 只是有点头晕。
你没有遭受任何痛苦 情绪波动或抑郁症？
哦，没有情绪波动。 但我有点头晕。
你的胃口怎么样？
优秀， 虽然我有点头晕。
- 谢谢。 - 好的。
我们又来了。
这尿真好！
肝功能检查回来了 完全干净，完全干净。
我告诉你了！ 该死的药物有效。
是的，我知道早期的结果 已经...
哦，有利的， 我猜是这个词。
- 什么？ - 来吧！
减速。记住我们得到了 更多的测试要做。
伙计们，也许克里斯是对的。
库珀博士？
克里斯库珀博士？
是的先生？
能不能抽出五分钟 请？
我们只是要上楼 一会儿，好吗，克里斯？
秃鹰今天飞来了。
有很多狗屎掉下来。
是大屠杀。 他们正在减掉所有的脂肪。
- 我听说唐被枪杀了。 - 唐被枪杀了？
我听说我们被买断了 由日本人。
嘿，我刚听说 那个日本人被枪杀了！
我不想走！ 让我养我的猴子！
我不在乎发生在我身上的事， 但请让我留下我的猴子。
这是怎么回事？
什么都没有发生。
这只是一个非正式的聊天。
我们想知道什么 你在你的实验室工作。
我发明了一种药...
这给前女友带来了蠕虫。
对，什么是积极的 关于那个？
这是一种会产生蠕虫的药丸 给前女友。
会不会也生虫 给前男友？
这是全世界的毒药……
给前女友送虫子！
嗯，太好了。 感谢您的光临。
你只是不明白这里！
我一直在做一件事。 这有点像Stummies。
继续。 我喜欢我目前听到的。
这和Stummies一模一样。
扭曲是什么？
这是一个更大的药丸。
我很喜欢。 准备好生产了吗？
是的，它已经准备好了。
任何副作用。
是的，先生，有一些副作用。
没关系。只要有 没有“脚蹼婴儿”，对吧，唐？
嗯，有过 几个脚蹼婴儿。
这只是一对 鳍状肢婴儿！
我开始——
如果你不这样做会更好。
库珀博士，请坐。
这只是一个非正式的聊天。
你想要一个Stummies吗？ 有一些在你面前。
非常感谢。
那么，你的家人呢？
我本身并没有真正的家庭。
那你在做什么？
好吧，如你所知，我正在工作 一种可以治愈抑郁症的药物。
继续。
我真的没有 我的笔记。
显然我有 我的笔记。
结果已经 非常积极。
好了吗？
哦，嗯，嗯——
如果还没准备好——
这并不是说 还没准备好，先生。
是我们有 要做更多的测试。
库珀博士...
准备好了吗？
我有好消息！ 他们正在继续使用药物！
什么？
有些事情我必须做。 很多事情要做。
但你说有 更多测试要做。
嗯，人家说了算。
嗯，很迷人！
是不是处于研究阶段的早期 发布新药？
西蒙，我们不能太 ""by the bookie'' 关于这个测试。
这样比较好
此外，巴克斯特在这里说的药物 工作，我们都信任百特。
- 不是吗？ - 就是这样 -
爱丽丝，你是说 你不信任百特？
不，我——
- 是什么赋予了？ - 是的。
他们要关闭我们的实验室 如果我们没有药物。
来吧！我们可能会发布 史上最有效的抗抑郁药！
这是一种很好的药物。
好但是 -
是的！
来吧，让我们庆祝一下！
谁想再来一杯？ 克里斯？
再来一杯？ 爱丽丝，你在吗？另一个？
百特？多一个。
克里斯？好的。
等待。克里斯，另一个？
好的。克里斯，你在吗？
来吧，爱丽丝？
再来一杯，对吧？
- 你不确定？ - 来吧。
好吧，爱丽丝有一个。 还有，克里斯？
你在喝一杯。 好的。
好吧，等一下。 百特？
你看！
我是骑大象的。 你喜欢那个吗？
我父亲患有抑郁症。
克里斯，我从来不知道。
是的！
你好，儿子。
你打扫过房子吗 你老人家上班的时候？
是的！
好好。
你在冰箱下面打扫过吗？
枪呢？你是否 给枪一个很好的清洁？
- 是的！ - 好孩子。
圣母，我的脚！
我的另一只脚！
两个小时后， 他击中了一个重要器官并死亡。
我从来不知道，克里斯。
不！这是错误的。
我们是科学家。
打扰一下。账单。
你能抽出五分钟吗？
恭敬地闭嘴。
你不是一盘羊角面包。
不，我不是。
那你能给我弄点吃的吗 在我咬掉我该死的手之前？
不，不，这是克里斯•库珀博士。 他是这种药物的发明者。
谢谢你发明 一种奇妙的药物。
这是思科。 他是营销主管。
我们有 一个小小的果酱会议...
我们想知道什么 你的想法是橙色的。
为了什么？
药物的颜色。 呸！
嗯，药物的实际颜色 处于非合成状态...
是一种蓝色的色调。
伟大的。那么橙色呢？
是的？好的。 是的，我认为这很好。
我们可以回去工作吗？
这一切都发生得如此之快。
好吧，我不会打电话给一个星期。
什么？
我明白。
哦，很好。
有什么问题吗？
哦，上帝，你还好吗？
我很好。我很好。 我需要锻炼。
库珀博士。 克里斯•库珀博士。
我其实是来看你的。 你还记得我吗？
当然。 你是957。
库珀博士，因为你 还有你神奇的药...
我离开了老人院 又是我自己。
我什至在做兼职 作为一个裸体艺术模特。
哦，从那以后我就没有感觉这么好过 他们说，“这不是恶性的。”
上帝祝福你 和你的重要工作。
淡蓝色调。
好吧，我开车兜风 昨晚在我价值 62,000 美元的车里...
试着想一个名字 药，突然袭击了我。
名字？
不，一只鸟撞到了我的挡风玻璃。
当那件事发生时， 我郁闷了。
- 不是你，思科。 - 是的，即使是我。
但我一沮丧， 我得到了“不抑郁”...
因为我在打扫 我挡风玻璃上闪闪发光的内脏...
我想到了药的名字—— 格列蒙克斯！
口号？
Gleemonex 让你感觉 就像它在你的头上是72度......
每时每刻。
该药物已获批准。下一个。
我以前住在街上。
有硬纸板流浪汉 睡在纸板上。
然后是耶稣——
我是说库珀博士 给了我他的药。
现在我的工作效率更高了。
我是一名保安 用枪。
你好！欢迎来到 尼娜贝德福德秀。
我是尼娜贝德福德。 你喜欢我的新衣服吗？
幸福。
可以买吗 以药丸的形式？
在今天的 妮娜贝德福德秀 我们正在和克里斯•库珀博士交谈...
的发明者 新的神奇药物 Gleemonex。
库珀博士，告诉我们关于 这种新的快乐药物。
给人的感觉如何？
好吧，尼娜，我们喜欢说什么 实验室周围...
是它让人 感觉是...
头部 7 2 度 一直。
我们不这么说。
我们可以开始了。
听起来像洛杉矶
好的。问题。
是的，先生，你。
我想成为一名科学家 就像你一样。你有什么建议？
努力工作，留在学校。
好建议。还有谁？ 是的女士。
一直到这里。
你家有多大？
是啊，你家有多大？
其实我住 在一个小公寓里。
下一个问题。 是的，你，女士。
有没有人告诉过你 你看起来像汤姆琼斯？
我们认为你会。
没有人想知道 药物是如何化学作用的？
站起来扭动 你的臀部为我们。
- 不，我不能。 - 来吧！
女士们，你不想看吗？ 他扭动臀部？我愿意。
我更像一个科学家 比摇摆人。
起床！
他看起来确实像 年轻的汤姆琼斯。
当我们回来...
我们要给库珀博士 竞争改造。
克里斯，让我们出去！
把它吸起来，你这丑陋的海绵。
你去吧，克里斯博士！
你看见了吗 Nina Bedford Show 今天早上？
是的，那个东西 关于吐司他妈的。
吐司他妈的？
这是你他妈的的新事物 或者被吐司搞砸。
今天早上的节目 是关于那个新药的。
一定是我做的一个梦。
但愿如此。
Pitter patter，让我们来对付她。
稍等一下。 我得把蛇排干。
把蛇排干。
关灯，混蛋。
警察！跑！
冻结！
我是你的噩梦，先生！ 冻结！
我得到了一个。
- 警官 - 他们偷了我的钱包。 - 下。
倒在地上。 趴在地上。
我们总是赢。
你会不会下车， 先生，请？
这都是一个很大的误会。
就像Three's Company 剧集。
有人走错门 一切都崩溃了。
多琳！
哦，沃利。
我们没有向他收费。
我们想带他回家 光着身子就够了。
是手铐吗 完全必要，警官？
其实那是 你丈夫的想法。
谢谢你让他下车。 晚安。
我不明白一个男人怎么能 起床这些公园恶作剧......
有一个可爱的屁股 就像自己在家等。
谢谢，我猜。
别客气。
亲爱的，我想你有 知道发生了什么的权利。
- 沃利，请不要。 - 不不不。
我开车出去，因为 你知道我喜欢开车...
当我突然不得不采取 世界上最大的尿。
所以我看到了这个洗手间。
我停了下来，但它已经满了 那些“”类型。
你知道，酷儿和皇后。
所以他们中的一个试图吻我……
我说：“不！不，不。''
但他只是不停地吻我。 他为什么要这么做？
嗯，你没告诉我 你有...
抓住他的臀部 把他拉得更近了？
是的，但那是因为 我担心他会摔倒。
医生，他的裤子掉了 在他该死的脚踝周围。
医生，为什么那些—— 你知道 -
那些“类型”一直在思考 我是他们中的一员？
因为你是他们中的一员。
你是同性恋。
你是同性恋。你是同性恋。 与直相反。
你是同性恋。我知道，你的家人 知道。狗都知道！
似乎每个人都知道 除了你！
为什么我不知道？
这叫拒绝。
看，医生，你是 只会坐在那里...
并吐出精神病 整天对我胡言乱语？
不，我只是要给你写信 一个药方...
为药物。
毒品？
是的。格列蒙。这是新的。
平时不喜欢这样 但你是个特例。
我还会否认吗？
不，这是值得期待的 你只是同性恋。
- 凯西在上面。 - Futura 就在上面。
- 罗比在上面。 - 七点就可以了。
-乔希在上面。 - 天空在它上面。
Sky当然在其中。 天空是一切。
- 是的，包括你。 - 一次！
是吗？
它是由猴子制成的， 你知道。
对不起？
毒品。 它是由猴子制成的。
他们养着这些猴子 整天关在房间里。
然后他们让他们离开。
然后他们拿来煮。 这就是药物的成分。
啊!他们让他们滚蛋？
哦，是的，他们向他们展示 这种动物色情。
真的很变态，比如两只狗 和猫做爱...
或者蝙蝠和猪。
那是胡说！
你们两个，滚出我的出租车！
我不喜欢那种语言。
- 你显然不在。 - 把它移开！
你没有得到一美元， 你这个丑男人！
我不废话， 你这个愚蠢的苗条妓女！
-他出来了吗？ -我听说他太沮丧了，不能继续说下去。
这将是惊人的，嗯？
拿住！
我想谈谈毒品。
海洛因！
不，不是海洛因。
速度！
不，不是速度。
大麻！
不，甚至没有大麻。
马镇静剂？
不是马镇静剂。
我刚听说这种新药 这让你开心。
我只想说 -
他妈的快乐！
嗯，马夫...
他们在吗？
是的，唐，总票房来了。
出色地？
我认为这很重要 要记住...
这些事情从未如此糟糕 正如他们起初看起来的那样。
数据可以解释 很多方面。请记住这一点。
有很多方法 解释数据。
你个狗娘养的。 我们是第一名。
我接到你了！
你个狗娘养的！ 我们打败了青霉素！
我们踢了青霉素的对不起屁股！
能不能先给个房间 你这个狗娘养的？
是的，唐，我明白。
我们打败了青霉素！
先生。 11 月。
他很热。
先生。十二月。
他喜欢热的。
你是渣！ 听到了吗，士兵？
是的先生！
你知道我们是什么 今天要做什么？
不，先生！
我们要去了 整天做俯卧撑！
你和我，一整天！
-你觉得这很有趣吗，士兵？ -不，先生！
你会做那些俯卧撑 和我一起躺在你的背上！
你会发现肌肉 你从来不知道你有！
大肌肉！
坚硬的肌肉！
哦，是的，先生！
你猜怎么着？
我是同性恋！
他是同性恋！
你听到新闻了吗 他是同性恋
我是异性恋，现在我是同性恋 我认为药物使我成为那样
他是同性恋，他是同性恋，他是同性恋
我是同性恋
谁在乎？
这些都是假货。 离开这儿！
急停！
谢谢你。 祝你有个美好的夜晚。
我觉得就是他 药物的发明者。
我的天，罗里托先生的房子 是惊人的。
当我还是一个小女孩， 我曾经 -
克里斯，我可以见你吗？ 只需五分钟。伟大的。
他们在谈论我们。
- 有人想见你。 - 哦真的吗？
你好，医生。 我是“癌症男孩”。
你想说明什么呢 给医生？
我要谢谢你 为你的神奇药物。
你在吗，巨蟹男？
不，我没有希望。 但我的父母在这件事上。
他们是如此的低， 不只是因为我...
但因为我哥哥出生 他的心在他的身体之外。
- 这是事实吗？ - 是的。
很高兴认识你。
实在抱歉。
没关系。 我的骨髓很低。
克里斯，你一直无视唐。 你真的应该和他谈谈。
每一天都是一份礼物。
你有没有看到？
医生和我，你看到了吗？
嗨，克里斯。进来。
我马上就好。
谢谢你，马夫。
你能再努力点吗？
软一点。
对，在圈子里。
少转圈。
但更多的是圈子。
正确的。
伟大的。完毕。 抓头，克里斯？
不，谢谢你，唐。
你确定？
谢谢。好工作。
我能给你点别的吗？
格拉巴酒，葡萄酒，卡布奇诺， 湖人队比赛的门票？
- 不，谢谢。 - 你确定吗？
芝士蛋糕呢？
双A电池？
在蒙大拿州登陆？
不，谢谢。
我给你这些，但他们会 反正你的。你明白吗？
- 马夫跟你说话了吗？ - 是他做的。
好的。所以你知道。
知道什么？
我们正在申请您的药物 非处方药。
但我的药是为了 临床上的抑郁症。
克里斯，你发明了...
一种奇妙的药物，现在 只有某些人可以访问。
我们认为每个人 应该可以访问它。
就像贫民窟的孩子一样。 显然他们的生活很糟糕。
你读过那件事吗 在时代？
你想要贫民窟的孩子 要快乐，不是吗，克里斯？
- 当然，唐，但是—— - 你当然知道。
可能有一些文件要签名， 那就是如果这件事发生。
但这可能不会发生。 你知道这些事情是怎样的。
但我真的认为——
那应该是固定的。
来吧，克里斯。
稍等，我来介绍 你身边。每个人！
这是克里斯库珀。 他是我们新药的发明者。
正如你们中的一些人所知...
药物是非处方药， 这很好。
而已。
这是什么？
这才是真正的派对。
克里斯在哪里？
我不知道。 我有一段时间没见到他了。
- 他在这里。 - 什么？
他在这台显示器上。
哇。她是谁？
可爱的！
她一定是另一位科学家。
所以，克丽丝，这只笨蛋会说， “”“宠物用Gleemonex”？
有点。
你知道，我什至不知道 如果他看起来很开心...
如果他甚至会服用药物。
你不喜欢，克里斯？
就是这样——
我脑子里有这条狗， 我还没有看到它。
正确的。正确的。
我得看更多的狗。 我得养更多的狗。
这是一场狗灾难。 我要看到更多的狗！
纳特？
- 我的杯子是卢克。 - 卢克温暖，克里斯？
不，卢克•天行者， 你他妈是近亲！
可口。
格里沃！格里沃！
拿住。
海洛因！
不，不是海洛因。
我有一首新歌。 我在公园里写的。
幸福和阳光
还有可爱的小狗
这些东西 我用心看到的
生活是一场快乐的游戏 如果你不忘记微笑
但时不时 你的脸
他妈的！他在吸毒。
它皱着眉头
你好烂！
悲伤是一种藤壶 紧紧抓住你明亮的小船
你不会让它沉没你的精神 如果你只学会漂浮
我们都是船长 在人生波涛汹涌的大海上航行
加油麦哲伦人 跟我来
我有馅饼
幸福馅饼
快乐的裁缝，快乐的工人 快乐的农民，快乐的女孩
快乐的鳏夫，快乐的自由艺术家 快乐的焊工，快乐的世界
快乐的饮酒者，快乐的思想家 快乐的音乐家，快乐的美容师
快乐的市长，快乐的一对 应召女郎快乐，草裙舞男孩快乐
幸福馅饼
馅饼
幸福馅饼
世界视频奖得主 最佳当代新歌...
格里沃！
谢谢你。
我要感谢我的粉丝群。
我们做到了。
微笑。免费。
他是发明家 神奇药物 Gleemonex。
她是超级名模！
女士们，先生们，请欢迎 Clemptor 和 Chris Cooper 博士。
写一首热门歌曲 是一门真正的科学。
嗯，你应该知道，克里斯。
现在，奖项...
为了最好的新说唱， 嘻哈或民谣--
还有第一个提名人 是巨蟹座男孩。
好吃。
从他的新专辑中， 当你情绪低落时吹口哨。
克里斯！克里斯！
谢谢！
要不是你，我早就自杀了！ 我可以要签名吗？
当然。我应该签名吗 沿着疤痕？把她放在那里！
克里斯库珀在我的伤疤上签名！
我爱你，伙计。
我的眼睛里有东西！
该死的鸟！
克里斯，你想让我得到它吗？
不，我是...
有利。
你们中的一位女士会 开门？
哦你好。
你想要什么？
你叔叔在吗？
叔叔？
正确的。
克里斯大叔！
叔叔？什么，我们要玩 另一个游戏，因为——爱丽丝！
你在这里做什么？
这里有些不对劲 与小Signund。
克里斯，我们可以订购吗 一些鸡翅？
拿到收据。
你是什么意思“错误”？
他处于某种昏迷状态。
让我看看。
我想小Signund被锁定了 在他最幸福的记忆中。
我看到一只老鼠在思考，爱丽丝。
而已。 我们要分手了。
爱丽丝，你好像有点不高兴 并且很迷惑。
我只是觉得你应该认真 考虑服用我的药物。
女性！
不是你们两个。
我爱上了你。 我可以拥有任何人。
我很美！
我们几乎亲吻了。
你们女孩什么时候签那张表格 那说昨晚从来没有发生过？
都是你的，船长。
继续，行动起来。
957？
胡迪库尔夫人！
猫在我头上！
嘿，你们这些孩子！
离开那里！出去 从那位女士的裙子下面！
Hurdicure 夫人，你还好吗？
你没事儿吧？
- 来了！ - 礼物！
得走了。
- 这是口琴。 - 那太可爱了。
茶？
库珀博士，准备好了吗？
在我看来， 药物准备好了。
唐，我们是——
唐，我能不能——
对不起，拉比。
克里斯，我们有一个家庭成员。
我外甥发狂了。我们大约 到布里斯。这不能等吗？
- 我们有麻烦了。 - 什么？
当我告诉你药物已经准备好时， 我没有做足够的测试。
现在，Hurdicure 夫人，一位 第一批测试对象有...
陷入昏迷。
是的，克里斯， 但她不是老太太吗？
老太太们 每天都进入昏迷状态。
不，是药。
爱丽丝试图警告我， 但我没有听。
但人们必须知道。 我们得去找媒体。
媒体？
你在说什么——报纸， 电视、CD-ROM、大学广播？
是的，整个套件和一堆。
我认为我们应该考虑一下 在我们去媒体之前。
- 我们不应该去找媒体。 - 你知道，我同意。
但我们必须！
拉比约翰逊， 给我一分钟，好吗？
克里斯，让我们谈谈。
你知道，事情 关于心烦意乱的是……
除此之外有时是 对女性的热情...
这不是你想要的状态 在做出重要决定时...
比如去新闻界， 你不同意吗？
不，我不会。 我们得说出来。
是的，但你会同意 那巴黎是法国的首都？
- 你不同意吗？ - 对，但是 -
好的。然后我们又达成一致了。
您的药物正在有效地改变 世界变得更美好。
你知道这一点很重要。
你听说裂缝消失了吗？ 犯罪率下降...
奇怪的是， 旅游业也是如此。
但如果我之前没有说过， 好工作。
关于昏迷...
在战争中，他们称之为那种东西 ""可接受的损失。''
和 1 944 一样，德国人在法国 他们什么时候应该在德国...
它会花费 让他们回家的一分钱。
我们对您的药物的了解 还有我要给你看的...
是那里可以接受的损失 如果那样的话，实际上大约是 5%。
克里斯，这里可能很容易 采取狭隘的观点并说...
“”我的上帝，更多昏迷的受害者， 哦，多么可怕。
等等等等等等。
克里斯，我仍然认为 那是狭隘的看法。
他们被困住了 在他们最幸福的回忆中。
你不带我去Funky Town
时尚小镇
在这样的情况下...
你应该依靠我的经验。
当我发明Stummies时——
他妈的笨蛋！
你也是，唐！
你推了，男孩，你推了！
Dumb Baxter 说这种药很棒。 我说测试！
你拿走了我的实验室，因为——
当然，我失去了童贞， 但你认为谁——
你推了，男孩，你推了！
我要归还后窗 到音像店，现在这个！
昏迷？可接受的损失？过期罚款？
不，我想我不会 “”他妈的Stummies。
把你的手指从我脸上拿开。
不要碰我的手指。
- 把你的手指从我脸上拿开。 - 不要碰我的手指。
你知道，我有这样的 对你寄予厚望...
但不幸的是 你只是不明白。
我他妈的手指！
怎么了？
哦，华莱士？
沃利？
现在来吧。不是今晚， 我们穿着我们的西装。
这里没有秘密，记得吗？ 水手之间没有秘密。
你是渣！ 听到了吗，士兵？
捷尔津斯基。
- 是的先生？ - 看到墙边的两个敌人了吗？
得到他们。
你是我的伴郎。 这是计划。
你去那里操他们， 我们会留在这里手淫。
- 是的先生！ - 去！
来了一个男人！
克里斯。
克里斯，我以为你说过 药物准备好了。
我很困惑。我以为你说 药物准备好了。
克里斯，你说药物已经准备好了。
哦，库珀博士，谢谢您 为你奇妙的昏迷！
昏迷！昏迷！
不要接触媒体。
我要去找媒体！
我要感谢会员 确实做到了的媒体。
大学广播...
武器和头盔杂志...
当然是Girl Beat。
谢谢大家的到来。
谁还需要网络？
那好吧，跟我来。
我带你去哪里 Roritor 隐藏了它可怕的秘密。
一个秘密 我负责。
我接受我的参与 并要求你振作起来……
当你见证 Roritor 的...
丑陋！
克里斯，你能抽出五分钟吗？
不，马夫！ 我要揭露昏迷！
如果你跟我来，我可以帮忙。
好的。
我们走吧。
恐怕是另一种方式，克里斯。
好了，大家一起来吧。 紧单位。
我很高兴你和唐 已经醒悟了……
并意识到你不能——
这是什么？
这才是真正的新闻发布会。
真正的新闻发布会？
有食物。
女士们和大家...
我们已经加入 克里斯•库珀博士。
感谢库珀博士...
我们很高兴地宣布 我们正在破土动工……
在十个中的第一个 新的 Roritor Comatoriums。
现在我想向你介绍 致我们的第一位幸运居民。
那里，那里，老亲爱的。
是赫迪库尔夫人。
我们的访问真是太棒了 到 Roritor 的新 Comatorium...
我母亲将在哪里得到照顾， 洗漱和阅读。
- 我们羡慕她。 - 是的，我们有。
但我们会满足于此 出纳支票...
1 0,000 美元。
如果幸运的话，哪些家庭会收到 爱的人去了一个更好的地方——
他们最快乐的回忆。
哇，好多钱啊！ 多么令人愉快！
等待！
那不是我发明的 的药。
我的意思是，她看起来很开心吗？
是的。
好吧，她看起来很开心。
但人们应该 有时候会郁闷！
我们为人们发明了药物 太沮丧了，不能下楼。
不是因为你错过了你的公共汽车...
或者你看起来不太好 戴着黄色帽子。
那是错误的。
告诉他们，克里斯。
我的意思是，没有他的痛苦 还有他的悲伤……
梵高能画吗 所有这些东西？
我知道那不是真实的 梵高，但我的观点仍然是......
你不可能一直快乐！
这就是生活！ 拿回它！
你知道，这些话很伤人。
但你意识到它们来自一个 因抑郁症而发疯的人。
不幸的是，它似乎发生了 致我们一些最伟大的天才。
像奥本海默这样的人， 施韦策...
厢式货车威利。
所以今天我们特别难过 宣布克里斯•库珀博士...
事实上已经被发现 确实很郁闷。
这又是什么意思，思科？
从法律上讲，他必须采取 自己的药。
正确的。
拜托，克里斯，我们希望你试试 并记住...
我们只做这个 因为我们爱你。
如果药丸那么安全，唐， 你为什么不拿它？
是的！
你为什么不拿它？
我完全没有问题 接着就，随即。
其实我很喜欢 的药物。
如果演示是什么 这里需要，就这样吧。
- 马夫？ - 是的，唐？
吃药。
当然，唐。
这是卡布奇诺吗 永远准备好...
还是我必须进去 用你的头磨豆子？
只是热身，唐。
什么让你这么久？
别盯着我看。
来了，唐。
好吧，你有它。
我已经完成了我的部分。 我们已经吃过药了。
现在轮到你了，库珀博士。
哦，来吧，克里斯。打开。
哦亲爱的。
这是生活中的小事 这使它值得。
好咖啡，马夫。
从我的鞋子上滑下来。
那么，他们有没有听 Cooper 博士的话 然后停止服药？
不，他们没有，该死的！
今天他们甚至有游行 庆祝昏迷。
他们把可怜的混蛋拖出去 就像他们他妈的宇航员一样。
我不喜欢现在的世界。
我的意思是，在我知道之前 我是个婊子养的。
但现在我是唯一的 我知道的狗娘养的。
为真正的人类让路！
让开，你——
至于库珀博士……
好吧，有些人说 他加入了一个 KISS 翻唱乐队...
他每周都摇滚三个晚上 在一些鸡翅点。
但是，其他人说， 我希望这是真的……
他在外面，某处......
致力于治疗 为了这一切愚蠢的幸福。
好吧，大家，轻松，轻松。
爱丽丝，等等。
我只想说 我们已经非常努力了...
在一些 困难的情况...
我非常有信心 这种新药...
将解开她最不愉快的记忆。
是的，但是你说的 关于我们在百特上测试的药物。
好吧，让我们开始吧。
敞开心扉，Hurdicure 夫人。
那是个好姑娘。
胡迪库尔夫人...
你感觉如何？
伤心。
她很郁闷！
是的是的！
她很难过！她很难过！
巴克斯特，我们做到了。
是的。
等待。百特。
不，巴克斯特！巴克斯——
她很难过！
爱丽丝，我们只是郁闷 一位老太太。
我们拥有了整个世界 消磨时间。
它可以等待。
好的，米格尔， 我给你一个惊喜。
所以闭上眼睛 不要偷看，好吗？
好吧，睁开眼睛。
惊喜！
哇，谢谢奶奶！
生日快乐，米格尔。 哦，你看起来很可爱。
让我给你拍张照片。
男孩，哦，男孩，这将是盛大的。 米格尔?
米格尔！
不好了。来找奶奶。
我要倒下了！
那是什么 这整个故事是什么意思？
快乐的唯一途径就是知道
你不会每天都开心
听起来更好……
在原始克罗地亚语中。
至于孩子， 结果他没事。
他在一块地里下来 几天后...
讽刺地长大了 成为一名航空公司飞行员。
你去吧。 你有你的幸福结局。
现在出去……
因为您的票上无处可见 是不是说你可以睡在这里。
修墙术妈妈。
哦，金妮。
米格尔在哪里？
我以为他和你在一起。
好吧，他错过了小丑。
Hey, show some respect, you homeless piece of shit!
Okay, I am going to tell you a story now about how people...
like that sad, pathetic prick back there, found happiness.
But it is not a happy story, okay?
I mean, why do people think that life should always be happy?
Because when I was a little boy, my mother sang me a song.
It went like this.:
Life is short. Life is shit.
And soon it will be over.
But for you, my friends, this story is just beginning.
Some days it's dark
Some days I work
I work alone
I walk alone
Unknown
Sweetness
Oh, my God.
Laughter
Or not
Mr. November.
Mr. December.
Hi, kids. Where's your father?
He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
- Again? - Yeah.
- Hey, kids. - Hey, Dad.
I was just taking a shower. Yep, just had myself a shower.
Shower?
Honey, you're home!
Wally, you're hurting me.
I'm just so glad you're home.
Baby, get in the vehicle.
I'm not getting in that vehicle!
Baby, this is my gift to you.
What? Gift?
It's not a gift. You freaking stole this.
I stole it to make it up to you.
Then tell me this.
How can you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?
Sure I told you, but don't shoot the messenger.
You can say good-bye to this!
No, baby. You know I need that.
Wave bye-bye, baby. Never any more Romeo.
How about a farewell one, baby?
I'll see ya in my dreams, you cheating, lying, backstabbing freak!
I'm sorry, I don't understand German.
I can't go on. This is bullshit!
Grivo! Grivo!
I think I just may have something.
Easy, easy, Patient 957.
And open.
What will this do?
Well, what it does is...
reaches into your brain, chemically...
and locates your happiest memory, chemically.
Then locks on to that emotion and freezes it, chemically...
and then it keeps your happy happy.
Chris? She's depressed, not stupid.
Come on, just take it.
All right.
Coming!
- Merry Christmas. Kiss Grandma. - Presents!
That's all right.
Sorry we were a few hours late. The kids hate old people.
That's all right as long as we're all together now.
- Good point. How's your health? - Good.Just some sciatica.
These action heroes are from last year, dummy!
I hear Dad's dead. Is that eggnog?
Yeah. Have yourself a glass. I gotta check on the bird.
I thought we'd have yams this year.
I got a Butterball. Last year's was so dry.
They're the best--
Gotta go. Come on, kids, in the car.
Sorry, Mom, we gotta go. Hey, you got that gift for my mom?
Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas, Mother Hurdicure.
- Thanks. I wonder what that is. - It's a harmonica.
Well, see ya next year.
Oh, that was lovely.
Look, she's smiling.
- She is. - Oh, my.
Calm down.Just calm down.
Calm down!
How do you feel, Patient 957?
Like a fresh towel drying on the line on a summer's day.
Oh, I feel like a little worm...
peeking its head out of the ground after a rainstorm...
and seeing no robin.
I feel like God's rubbing my tummy!
I haven't felt this happy since my son came to visit at Christmas.
- This could be it. - It's a strong ""maybe.''
It could be it.
Jesus Christ!
I think we got it! Yeah!
And who are you?
Just a guy.
We're commencing final approach.
Any clue as to his mood today?
I'm sorry, I can't get a sense of his mood.
Sock color?
Red socks.
Red socks! Red socks!
Red socks!
Let's keep going.
Let's work together.
Good morning, Don.
Didn't we say good morning yesterday, Marv?
Yeah, I guess we did, Don.
Don, how did the board of directors' meeting go?
Can I have the room for a minute?
Everybody out!
My empire is...
crumbling!
Right. Everyone back in.
To answer your question, Natalie...
the board of directors was a little concerned...
that we didn't have a ""Back to School'' drug or ""Christmas'' drug.
We didn't have an ""International Women's Day'' drug.
Exactly.
I tried to remind them that when I invented Stummies...
Yes, Don, thank God that you did.
it took both time and effort.
But unfortunately, the board takes a narrow view.
And in their own narrow way, they think the company is losing money.
Which in fact we are, but I think this is the narrow view.
Damn them, Don! What the hell do they know?
They're insisting we cut our research outlay by 60%.
Of course I told them to fuck off.
Good for you, Don!
But out loud I said I'd consider it.
Exactly the right thing to do-- play with them.
Where are we with that?
With what, Don?
Our restructuring plan.
The thing you just mentioned just now?
Yeah.
We're on top of that.
Good.
Are we ever gonna get the big table in here...
or do I have to cut that fucking tree myself?
I'll get right on that. Okay, number one.
Open.
No. It's been two weeks, and I don't feel any different.
All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?
A little of this and a little of that. Open.
It's sugar, isn't it? I'm in the placebo group.
Well, loose lips sink ships. Open.
No! My face tells me it's sugar.
Thank you.
You're not allowed to do that to me.
Doctor! Alice!
Just a second, I'm ready--
Oh, yeah!
- How are you feeling, 957? - Pardon?
How are you feeling, Mrs. Hurdicure?
Excellent. Just a little dizzy.
You're not suffering from any mood swings or bouts of depression?
Oh, no mood swings. But I'm a little dizzy.
And how's your appetite?
Excellent, though I am a little dizzy.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Here we go again.
This urine is great!
The liver function test came back completely clean, totally clean.
I told you! The goddamn drug works.
Yes, I know the early results have been...
oh, favorable, I guess is the word.
- What? - Come on!
Slow down. Remember we got lots more testing to do.
Guys, maybe Chris is right.
Dr. Cooper?
Dr. Chris Cooper?
Yes, sir?
Could you spare five minutes, please?
We're just gonna step upstairs for a moment, okay, Chris?
The vultures are flying in today.
There's a lot of shit going down.
It's carnage. They're cuttin' all the fat.
- I heard Don's been shot. - Don's been shot?
I heard we've been bought out by the Japanese.
Hey, I just heard that the Japanese have been shot!
I don't wanna go! Let me keep my monkeys!
I don't care what happens to me, but please let me keep my monkeys.
What's going on?
Nothing's going on.
This is just an informal chat.
We were wondering what you were working on in your lab.
I've invented a pill...
that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Right, and what's positive about that?
It's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
Could it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?
This is a drug for the world...
to give worms to ex-girlfriends!
Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.
You just don't get it here!
I've been working on a thing. It's sort of like Stummies.
Go on. I like what I hear so far.
It's exactly like Stummies.
And the twist is?
It's a much bigger pill.
I like a lot. Is it ready for production?
Yes, it's ready to go.
Any side effects.
Yes, sir, a few side effects.
That's okay. As long as there are no ""flipper babies,'' right, Don?
Well, there have been a few flipper babies.
It was only a couple of flipper babies!
I'm starting to--
It'd be better if you didn't.
Dr. Cooper, please have a seat.
This is just an informal chat.
Would you like a Stummies? There's some in front of you.
Thank you very much.
So, how's your family?
I don't really have a family per se.
So what are you working on?
Well, as you know, I am working on a drug that will cure depression.
Go on.
I really don't have my notes with me.
Apparently I do have my notes with me.
The results have been very positive.
Is it ready?
Oh, um, well--
If it's not ready--
It's not that it isn't ready, sir.
It's that we have so much more testing to do.
Dr. Cooper...
is it ready or not?
I got great news! They're going ahead with the drug!
What?
There are things I have to do. Lots of things to do.
But you said there was more testing to do.
Well, people say things.
Hmm, fascinating!
Isn't it early in the research phase to be releasing a new drug?
Simon, we can't be too ""by the bookie'' about this testing.
That's better.
Besides, Baxter here said the drug worked, and we all trust Baxter.
- Don't we? - It's just that--
Alice, are you saying you don't trust Baxter?
No, I--
- What gives? - Yeah.
They were gonna close our lab if we didn't have a drug.
Come on! We might be releasing the most effective antidepressant ever!
It is a good drug.
Yeah, but--
Yeah!
Come on, let's celebrate!
Who wants another drink? Chris?
Another drink? Alice, you're in? Another one?
Baxter? One more.
Chris? Okay.
Wait. Chris, another?
Good. Chris, you're in?
Come on, Alice?
Another drink, right?
- You're not sure? - Come on.
All right, Alice is having one. And, Chris?
You're having a drink. All right.
All right, hang on. Baxter?
Hey, look!
I am an elephant rider. Do you like that?
My father suffered from depression.
Chris, I never knew that.
Yep!
Hello, son.
Did you clean the house while your old man was at work?
Yep!
Good, good.
Did you clean under the fridge?
What about the gun? Did you give the gun a good cleaning?
- Yep! - Good boy.
Holy Mother, my foot!
My other foot!
Two hours later, he hit a vital organ and died.
I never knew that, Chris.
No! This is wrong.
We're scientists.
Excuse me. The bill.
Could you spare five minutes?
Respectfully, shut the fuck up.
You're not a plate of croissants.
No, I'm not.
Then can you get me something to eat before I chew my fuckin' hand off?
No, no, this is Dr. Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of the drug.
Thank you for inventing a marvelous drug.
This is Cisco. He's head of marketing.
We were having a little jam session...
and we wondered what your thoughts were on orange.
For what?
The color of the drug. Duh!
Well, the actual color of the drug in its nonsynthesized state...
is kind of a bluish hue.
Great. So orange it is then?
Yeah? Okay. Yeah, I think that's good.
Could we get back to work?
It's all happening so fast.
Okay, I won't call for a week.
What?
I understand.
Oh, good.
Is something wrong?
Oh, God, are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm fine. I needed the exercise.
Dr. Cooper. Dr. Chris Cooper.
I was actually coming to see you. Do you remember me?
Of course. You're 957.
Dr. Cooper, because of you and your marvelous drug...
I'm out of the old folks home and on my own again.
I'm even working part-time as a nude art model.
Oh, I haven't felt this good since they said, ""It's not malignant.''
God bless you and your important work.
Bluish hue.
Okay, I was driving around last night in my $62,000 car...
trying to think of a name for the drug, and suddenly it hit me.
The name?
No, a bird hit my windshield.
When that happened, I got depressed.
- Not you, Cisco. - Yeah, even me.
But as soon as I got depressed, I got ""undepressed''...
'cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts off my windshield...
I thought of the name for the drug-- Gleemonex!
The slogan?
Gleemonex makes you feel like it's 72 degrees in your head...
all the time.
The drug is approved. Next.
I used to live on the street.
Had cardboard bum from sleeping on cardboard.
Then Jesus--
I mean Dr. Cooper gave me his drug.
Now I'm more productive.
I'm a security guard with a gun.
Hi! Welcome to the Nina Bedford Show.
I'm Nina Bedford. Do you like my new outfit?
Happiness.
Can it be bought in the form of a pill?
On today's Nina Bedford Show we're talking to Dr. Chris Cooper...
the inventor of the new wonder drug Gleemonex.
Dr. Cooper, tell us about this new happy drug.
How does it make people feel?
Well, Nina, what we like to say around the lab...
is that it makes people feel like it's...
7 2 degrees in the head all the time.
We don't say that.
We could start.
Sounds like L.A.
Okay. Questions.
Yes, sir, you.
I want to be a scientist just like you. What's your advice?
Work hard and stay in school.
Good advice. Anyone else? Yes, ma'am.
All the way up here.
How big is your house?
Yeah, how big is your house?
Actually I live in a small apartment.
Next question. Yes, you, ma'am.
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Tom Jones?
We think you do.
Doesn't anyone wanna know how the drug works chemically?
Stand up and wiggle your hips for us.
- No, I couldn't. - Come on!
Ladies, don't you wanna see him wiggle his hips? I do.
I'm more of a scientist than a wiggler.
Get up!
He does look like a young Tom Jones.
When we come back...
we're gonna give Dr. Cooper a compete makeover.
Chris, wiggle us out!
Soak it up, you ugly sponge.
You go, Dr. Chris!
Did you see that Nina Bedford Show this morning?
Yeah, that thing about toast fucking.
Toast fucking?
It's a new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
The show this morning was about that new drug.
Must've been a dream I had.
I hope so.
Pitter patter, let's get at her.
Hang on a second. I gotta drain the snake.
Drain the snake.
Lights off, asshole.
Cop! Run!
Freeze!
I'm your nightmare, mister! Freeze!
I got one.
- Officer-- They stole my wallet. - Down.
Down on the ground. Get down on the ground.
We always win.
Would you step out of the car, please, sir?
It's all a big misunderstanding.
Like a Three's Company episode.
Somebody came in the wrong door and all hell broke loose.
Doreen!
Oh, Wally.
We didn't charge him.
We thought bringing him home bare naked was punishment enough.
Were the handcuffs totally necessary, Officer?
Actually, that was your husband's idea.
Thanks for dropping him off. Good night.
I don't understand how a man can get up to these park shenanigans...
with a lovely piece of ass like yourself waiting at home.
Thank you, I guess.
You're welcome.
Honey, I think you've got a right to know what happened.
- Wally, please don't. - No, no, no.
I went out driving, because as you know I love driving...
when suddenly I had to take the biggest pee in the world.
So I saw this washroom.
I stopped in, but it was full of those ""types.''
You know, queers and queens.
So one of them tried to kiss me...
and I said, ""No! No, no.''
But he just kept kissing me. Why would he do that?
Well, didn't you tell me that you had...
gripped him by the buttocks and pulled him closer?
Yes, but that was 'cause I was concerned that he might fall.
Doctor, his pants were down around his goddamn ankles.
Doctor, why do those-- you know--
those ""types'' keep thinking that I'm one of them?
Because you are one of them.
You are gay.
You are gay. You are a homosexual. The opposite of straight.
You're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it!
Everyone seems to know it except you!
Why am I not aware of it?
It's called denial.
Look, Doctor, are you just gonna sit there...
and spew psychiatric mumbo jumbo at me all day?
No, I'm just gonna write you a prescription...
for the drug.
The drug?
Yes. Gleemonex. It's new.
I don't normally like to do this, but you're a special case.
Will I still be in denial?
No, it's to be hoped that you'll just be gay.
- Casey's on it. - Futura's on it.
- Robbie's on it. - Seven's on it.
-Josh is on it. - Sky is on it.
Of course Sky is on it. Sky's on everything.
- Yeah, including you. - Once!
Yeah, well?
It's made from monkey come, you know.
Pardon me?
The drug. It's made from monkey come.
They keep these monkeys locked in a room all day.
Then they make them jack off.
Then they take the come and boil it. That's what the drug is made of.
Ah! They make them jack off?
Oh, yeah, they show them this animal pornography.
Really kinky stuff like two dogs making love with a cat...
or a bat and a pig.
That's bullshit!
You two, out of my cab!
I don't like that kind of language.
- You're obviously not on it. - Move it out of here!
You're not getting dollar one, you ugly man!
I don't give a crap, you stupid slinky whore!
-Is he coming out? -I hear he's too depressed to go on.
It's gonna be amazing, eh?
Hold it!
I wanna talk about drugs.
Heroin!
No, not heroin.
Speed!
No, not speed.
Hashish!
No, not even hashish.
Horse tranquilizers?
Not horse tranquilizers.
I just heard about this new drug that makes you happy.
I just wanna say--
Fuck happy!
Well, Marv...
are they in?
Yes, Don, the grosses are in.
Well?
I think it's important to remember...
these things are never as bad as they may seem at first.
The data can be interpreted in many ways. Bear that in mind.
There are a lot of ways of interpreting the data.
You son of a bitch. We're number one.
I got you!
You son of a bitch! We beat penicillin!
We kicked penicillin's sorry ass!
Could I have the room for a second, you son of a bitch?
Yes, Don, I understand.
We beat penicillin!
Mr. November.
He's hot.
Mr. December.
He likes it hot.
You are scum! Do you hear me, soldier?
Yes, sir!
Do you know what we are going to do today?
No, sir!
We are going to be doing push-ups all day!
You and me, all day!
-Do you think that's funny, soldier? -No, sir!
You will be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back!
You are going to discover muscles you never knew you had!
Big muscles!
Hard muscles!
Oh, yes, sir!
Guess what?
I'm gay!
He's gay!
Did you hear the news He's gay
I was straight and now I'm gay I think the drug made me that way
He's gay, he's gay, he's gay
I'm gay
Who cares?
These are fakes. Get outta here!
Scram!
Thank you. Have a good evening.
I think that's him, the inventor of the drug.
My God, Mr. Roritor's house is amazing.
When I was a little girl, I used to--
Chris, can I see you? It'll just take five minutes. Great.
They're talking about us.
- Someone would like to meet you. - Oh, really?
Hi, Doctor. I'm ""Cancer Boy.''
What would you like to say to the doctor?
I'd like to thank you for your marvelous drug.
Are you on it, Cancer Boy?
No, there is no hope for me. But my parents are on it.
They were so very low, not just because of me...
but because my brother was born with his heart outside of his body.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
Nice to make your acquaintance.
Sorry, sorry.
That's okay. My marrow is just low.
Chris, you've been ignoring Don. You really should speak with him.
Each day's a gift.
Did you see?
The doctor and me, did you see?
Hi, Chris. Come in.
I'm almost done.
Thank you, Marv.
Could you do it harder?
Little softer.
Right, in circles.
Less in circles.
But more in circles.
Right.
Great. Done. Head scratch, Chris?
No, thank you, Don.
You sure?
Thanks. Good job.
Can I get you anything else?
Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?
- No, thanks. - Are you sure?
What about cheesecake?
Double-A batteries?
Land in Montana?
No, thank you.
I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
- Did Marv talk to you? - Yes, he did.
Good. So you know.
Know what?
That we're applying for your drug to be nonprescription.
But my drug is for the clinically depressed.
Chris, you've invented...
a marvelous drug, and right now only certain people can have access.
We think that everyone should have access to it.
Like ghetto children. Apparently their lives are horrible.
Did you read that thing in the Times?
You want ghetto children to be happy, don't you, Chris?
- Sure, Don, but-- - Of course you do.
There may be some papers to sign, that's if this thing happens.
But it might not happen. You know how these things are.
But I really think--
That was supposed to be fixed.
Come on, Chris.
Hang on, I'll introduce you around. Everyone!
This is Chris Cooper. He's the inventor of our new drug.
As some of you know...
the drug is going nonprescription, which is good.
That's it.
What's this?
This is the real party.
Where's Chris?
I don't know. I haven't seen him in a while.
- He's over here. - What?
He's on this monitor.
Wow. Who's she?
Cute!
She must be another scientist.
So, Chrissie, does this mutt say, ""Gleemonex for pets''?
Sort of.
You know, I don't even know if he looks happy...
of if he would even take the drug.
You don't like, Chris?
It's just that--
I have this dog in my head, and I haven't see it yet.
Right. Right.
I gotta see more dogs. I gotta have more dogs.
This is a dog disaster. I gotta see more dogs!
Nat?
- My cup is luke. - Luke warm, Chris?
No, Luke Skywalker, you fuckin' inbred!
Tasty.
Grivo! Grivo!
Hold it.
Heroin!
No, not heroin.
I have a new song. I wrote it in the park.
Happiness and sunbeams
And cute little puppy dogs
These are the things that I've seen with my heart
Life is a happy game if you don't forget to smile
But every now and then your face
Fuck! He's on the drug.
It harbors a frown
You suck!
Sadness is a barnacle clinging to your bright boat
You won't let it sink your spirits if you'll only learn to float
We are all sea captains sailing on life's rough seas
Come on you Magellans Come with me
I've got pie
Happiness pie
Happy tailors, happy workers happy farmers, happy girls
Happy widowers, happy freelance artists happy welders, happy world
happy drinkers, happy thinkers happy musicians, happy beauticians
Happy mayors, happy pairs happy call girls, happy hula boys
Happiness pie
Pie
Happiness pie
The winner of the World Video Award for best new contemporary song...
Grivo!
Thank you.
I'd like to thank my fan base.
We did it.
Smile. It's free.
He's the inventor of the wonder drug, Gleemonex.
She's a super supermodel!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Clemptor and Dr. Chris Cooper.
Writing a hit song is a real science.
Well, you should know, Chris.
And now, the award...
for the best new rap, hip-hop or folk act--
And the first nominee is Cancer Boy.
Yummy.
From his new album, Whistle When You're Low.
Chris! Chris!
Thank you!
I would've killed myself if not for you! Can I have an autograph?
Sure. Should I sign along the scar? Put her there!
Chris Cooper signed my scar!
I love you, man.
Something's in my eye!
Fucking bird!
Chris, do you want me to get it?
No, I'm...
favorable.
Would one of you ladies get the door?
Oh, hello.
What do you want?
Is your uncle here?
Uncle?
Right.
Uncle Chris!
Uncle? What, are we gonna play another game, 'cause-- Alice!
What are you doing here?
There's something wrong with little Signund.
Chris, can we order some chicken wings?
Get a receipt.
What do you mean ""wrong''?
He's in some sort of coma.
Let me see.
I think little Signund's locked in his happiest memory.
I see a mouse thinking, Alice.
That's it. We're breaking up.
Alice, you seem a little upset and pretty deluded.
I just think you should seriously consider taking my drug.
Women!
Not you two.
I was in love with you. I could have anyone.
I'm beautiful!
We almost kissed.
When will you girls sign that form that says last night never happened?
It's all yours, Captain.
Go on, make your move.
957?
Mrs. Hurdicure!
Cat on my head!
Hey, you kids!
Get away from there! Get out from under that lady's dress!
Mrs. Hurdicure, are you all right?
Are you all right?
- Coming! - Presents!
Gotta go.
- It's a harmonica. - That was lovely.
Tea?
Dr. Cooper, is it ready or not?
In my opinion, the drug is ready.
Don, we're--
Don, could I--
Excuse me a second, Rabbi.
Chris, we're having a family bris.
My nephew's brising. We're about to bris. Can this not wait?
- We're in trouble. - What?
When I told you the drug was ready, I hadn't done enough testing.
Now Mrs. Hurdicure, one of the first test subjects has...
gone into a coma.
Yeah, Chris, but wasn't she an old lady?
Old ladies go into comas every day.
No, it's the drug.
Alice tried to warn me, but I didn't listen.
But people gotta know. We gotta go to the media.
The media?
What are you talking-- newspaper, television, CD-ROM, college radio?
Yes, the whole kit and caboodle.
I think we ought to think about it before we go to the media.
- We shouldn't go to the media. - You know, I agree.
But we have to!
Rabbi Johnson, just gimme a minute, okay?
Chris, let's talk.
You know, the thing about being upset is that...
besides it sometimes being a turn-on to women...
it's not a state you wanna be in when making important decisions...
like going to the press, wouldn't you agree?
No, I wouldn't. We gotta get the word out.
Yeah, but you would agree that Paris is the capital of France?
- Wouldn't you agree to that? - Yes, but--
Good. Then we're back in agreement.
Your drug is effectively changing the world for the better.
It's important that you know that.
Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down...
and oddly enough, so is tourism.
But if I haven't said it before, good job.
About the comas...
in war they call that sort of thing ""acceptable losses.''
Like 1 944, the Germans are in France when they should be in Germany...
and it's gonna cost a pretty penny to get them home.
What we already know about your drug and what I'm gonna show you...
is that the acceptable losses there are really at about 5%, if that.
Chris, it might be very easy here to take the narrow view and say...
""My God, more coma victims, oh, how terrible.''
Blah, blah, blah.
Chris, I still think that's the narrow view.
They're stuck in their happiest memories.
Won't you take me to Funky Town
Funky Town
In a situation like this...
you should rely on my experience.
When I invented Stummies--
Fuck Stummies!
And you too, Don!
You pushed, boy, you pushed!
Dumb Baxter said the drug was great. I said testing!
And you took away my lab 'cause--
Sure, I lost my virginity, but who do you think--
You pushed, boy, you pushed!
I gotta return Rear Window to the video store and now this!
Comas? Acceptable losses? Late fees?
No, I don't think I will ""fuck Stummies.''
Get your finger out of my face.
Don't you touch my finger.
- Get your finger out of my face. - Don't you touch my finger.
You know, I had such high hopes for you...
but unfortunately you just don't get it.
My fucking finger!
What's the matter?
Oh, Wallace?
Wally?
Come on now. Not tonight, we're wearing our suits.
No secrets here, remember? No secrets between sailors.
You are scum! Do you hear me, soldier?
Terzinsky.
- Yes, sir? - See the two enemies by the wall?
Got 'em.
You're my best man. Here's the plan.
You go over there and fuck them, we'll stay here and masturbate.
- Yes, sir! - Go!
There goes a man!
Chris.
Chris, I thought you said the drug was ready.
I'm confused. I thought you said the drug was ready.
Chris, you said the drug was ready.
Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you for your marvelous coma!
Coma! Coma!
Don't go to the media.
I gotta go to the media!
I'd like to thank the members of the media who did make it.
College radio...
Weapons and Helmets magazine...
of course Girl Beat.
Thank you all for coming.
Who needs the networks anyway?
Okay then, follow me.
I'm gonna take you to where Roritor hides its terrible secret.
A secret that I'm responsible for.
I accept my part in this and ask you to brace yourselves...
as you bear witness to Roritor's...
hideousness!
Can you spare five minutes, Chris?
No, Marv! I'm going to expose the comas!
I can help if you'll come with me.
Okay, fine.
Let's go.
Afraid it's the other way, Chris.
All right, everyone, stay together. Tight unit.
I'm glad that you and Don have come to your senses...
and realize that you can't--
What is this?
This is the real press conference.
The real press conference?
There's food.
Ladies and everyone...
we've been joined by Dr. Chris Cooper.
And thanks to Dr. Cooper...
we're pleased to announce that we're breaking ground...
on the first of ten new Roritor Comatoriums.
Now I'd like to introduce you to our first lucky resident.
There, there, old darling.
It's Mrs. Hurdicure.
What a wonderful visit we're having to Roritor's new Comatorium...
where my mother will be cared for, washed and read to.
- We envy her. - Yes, we do.
But we will settle for this cashier's check...
for $ 1 0,000.
Which families receive if a lucky loved one goes to a better place--
their happiest memory.
Wow, that's a lot of money! How pleasing!
Wait!
That's not what I invented the drug for.
I mean, does she look happy?
Yes.
Okay granted, she looks happy.
But people are supposed to be depressed sometimes!
We invented the drug for people too depressed to get off the floor.
Not because you missed your bus...
or you don't look good in a yellow hat.
That's just wrong.
Tell 'em, Chris.
I mean, without his pain and his sadness...
could Van Gogh have painted all that stuff?
I know that's not an actual Van Gogh, but still my point is...
you can't be happy all the time!
That's life! Take it back!
You know, those words hurt.
But you realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression.
Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses.
People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer...
Boxcar Willie.
That's why today we're specially sad to announce that Dr. Chris Cooper...
has in fact been found certifiably depressed.
What does that mean again, Cisco?
Legally, he's gotta take his own drug.
Right.
Please, Chris, we want you to try and remember...
that we're only doing this because we love you.
If the pill is so safe, Don, why don't you take it?
Yeah!
Why don't you take it?
I've absolutely no problem with that.
In fact, I'm quite fond of the drug.
And if a demonstration is what is needed here, so be it.
- Marv? - Yes, Don?
Take the drug.
Of course, Don.
Is that cappuccino ever gonna be ready...
or do I have to come in there and grind the beans with your head?
Just warming it up, Don.
What is taking you so long?
Stop staring at me.
Coming, Don.
Well, there you have it.
I've done my part. We've taken the drug.
And now it's your turn, Dr. Cooper.
Oh, come on, Chris. Open.
Oh, dear.
It's the little things in life that make it worthwhile.
Good coffee, Marv.
Slipped off my shoes.
So, did they listen to Dr. Cooper and stop taking the drug?
No, they did not, goddamn it!
Today they even have parades to celebrate the comas.
And they drag out the poor bastards like they're fucking astronauts.
I don't like the world now.
I mean, before I always knew I was a son of a bitch.
But now I'm the only son of a bitch I know.
Make way for a real human being!
Get out of the way, you--
As for Dr. Cooper...
well, some people say that hejoined a KISS cover band...
and he rocks three nights a week in some chicken wing spot.
But still, others say, and I hope this is true...
that he is out there, somewhere...
working on the cure for all this stupid happiness.
All right, everyone, easy, easy.
Alice, wait.
I just wanna say that we've worked very hard...
under some difficult circumstances...
and I'm very confident that this new drug...
will unlock her unhappiest memory.
Yeah, but that's what you said about the drug we tested on Baxter.
Okay then, let's get at it.
Open wide, Mrs. Hurdicure.
That's a good girl.
Mrs. Hurdicure...
how do you feel?
Sad.
She's depressed!
Yes, yes!
She's sad! She's sad!
Baxter, we did it.
Yeah.
Wait. Baxter.
No, Baxter! Bax--
She's sad!
Alice, we just depressed one old lady.
We got a whole world to bum out.
It can wait.
Okay, Miguel, I got a surprise for you.
So keep your eyes closed and don't peek, okay?
Okay, open your eyes.
Surprise!
Wow, thanks, Grandma!
Happy birthday, Miguel. Oh, you look adorable.
Let me get a picture of you.
Boy, oh, boy, this will be grand. Miguel?
Miguel!
Oh, no. Come to Grandma.
I'm gonna fall!
So what does this whole story mean?
The only way to be happy is to know
You won't be happy every single day
It sounds better...
in the original Croatian.
As for the kid, he turned out okay.
He came down in a field a couple of days later...
and ironically grew up to be an airline pilot.
So there you go. You have your happy ending.
Now get out...
because nowhere on your ticket does it say you can sleep here.
Mother Hurdicure.
Oh, Ginny.
Where's Miguel?
I thought he was with you.
Well, he's missed the clown.